I recently had the pleasure of reading
You Can't Shatter Me, an exceptional YA
magical realism novella by author and
Awesome Indies founder,
Tahlia Newland
(please see previous post for my
review), and I’m thrilled to have here today
the heroine and hero of the story, Carly and Dylan, who agreed to chat a bit
about their experience and this unique novella as part of Tahlia's blog event:
Hi Carly and Dylan. I
enjoyed your story so much and it’s great to have you here. You’ve both had a recent experience with a
very difficult situation that many people have had to deal with or are dealing
with – bullying – and I think your insights could be extremely beneficial to
others.
Carly, when you saw a fellow student at your school being
bullied, you stepped in and tried to diffuse the situation. What motivated you to get involved when many
people would choose not to for fear of reprisal?
I’d just read a book with lots of violence in it and I
was so sick of being in that world that I chucked the book across the room.
Then I started thinking about what kind of story I would write and I decided
that my main character (me) would be a superhero who protects the weak. The
very next day, our resident bully went into action in front of me and I just
felt that I had to do something. I guess I wanted to live up to the superhero
idea and not be a coward, besides, I really hate bullying and violence of any
kind.
Carly and Dylan, you both used two different but, I’d
suggest, closely-related techniques not only as you dealt with bullying at
school, but also in working out other stresses and challenges in your
life. One was using analogous imagery in
a very creative way to mentally and spiritually tackle the issues before
physically working through them. Can
each of you tell us a little more about this practice and how such creativity can
aid in overcoming problems?
Dylan: We’re both into visual arts, so I guess that’s why
we both have very visual imaginations. For me, imagining things that I’m
dealing with in a visual way, like seeing my thoughts as words flying around
the room, helps me to have a better
perspective about what I’m doing mentally and emotionally. I can see more
clearly what I need to do. In this case, I had to get rid of the words that
were attacking me. Seeing myself hacking at them with a sword just made it
easier. I felt as if I had some control over the situation. I wasn’t at the
mercy of my mind anymore.
Carly: Analogies help me remember what to do. Like with
the fishing rod, it’s easier to not react to taunting if you remember that it’s
like bait on a hook. If you grab the bait, you get hooked, and that’s what the
bully wants, so you don’t do it. Aunt Anne talked about the Doubt Dragon and
seeing my own doubt like that helped me to recognise and face it. Otherwise, I
don’t think I would have even realised I was doubting myself, let alone try and
overcome it.
Another thing you both have in common is a more physical
extension of this practice. For you,
Carly, this is meditation and dancing, and martial arts for you, Dylan. Both of these physical practices have a very
mind/spirit-centered focus to them. Can
you share some of your insights on this and some good beginner exercises with
readers?
Carly (giggles): I think you should ask Aunt Anne for
instructions. I’m really not very good at it. Though I do find thinking of the
sky helps to clear my mind and putting the sun in my heart makes it easier to
feel kinder towards people.
Dylan: I don’t know about dancing, but if you have a good
martial arts teacher, or sensei as we call them, they will teach you the mental
aspect of the art as well, and it is about staying calm and clear in the face
of threats. As for beginner exercises, I couldn’t make any suggestions that
didn’t require you to start in a basic karate stance, so I guess you should
visit your local Dojo. That’s what we call where you train.
When someone is hurting us, we tend to react without
thinking on either the “fight or flight” response, so that, when bullied, often
the natural reaction would either be to strike out in return because of our
hurt and anger or to retreat, our self-esteem damaged – something that, with
repeated attacks, can lead us to believe that we really are inferior. How do you think that the two above
practices, the mental/spiritual and the physical helped you both not to give in
to one or the other of those natural tendencies and can you talk a little about
your effort to imagine walking in the bullying person’s shoes?
Carly: Gee, you ask really difficult questions. I’ll hand
this one over to the brain box over there.
Dylan (chuckles): She’s just using that as an excuse to
wimp out, but I’ll give it a go while she thinks of something. I don’t think I
succeeded really well with this actually. I had a lot of trouble not punching
Justin’s lights out. I don’t believe in violence as a way of solving problems,
but some people just seem to not understand anything else, and when he kept
hassling Carly, my protective instincts came to the fore.
Carly: That’s so sweet.
Dylan: Yeah, well,
I guess all guys still have a bit of the Neanderthal in them. Anyway, when I
gave Justin a bit of his own verbal crap back, I didn’t realise at the time
that I was being as bad as him, and Carly’s less than enthusiastic response to
that made me want to look at things a bit more deeply. When I wondered what
life was like for Justin, the reality of it just came to me like an insight. I
think that if we consciously ask ourselves how it would be to be someone else,
some understanding comes quite naturally.
(Pause)
Dylan: Your turn, Carly.
Carly: Um. It wasn’t easy, but the rock in my pocket
really helped. When I remembered it, I remembered to be strong like a rock in
the ocean and my thoughts and feelings were like waves bashing at that rock.
They couldn’t harm me if I stayed still inside and didn’t get caught up in the
waves. When I managed to turn it all around and send love to Justin instead of
hate and fear, it was the most awesome feeling ever. Kind of like using love as
a weapon. It made me feel really strong.
Related to this, some might suggest that the idea of dealing
with hurtful people by trying to love them or feel compassion for them is naïve
or that those kind of people don’t deserve our love and compassion. Can you share with us why you disagree and
why you think that learning to love and have sympathy for those that hurt us
can also be good for us?
Carly: I thought like that at first, until I realised
that filling ourself with love acts as a kind of mental and emotional shield.
Aunt Anne said that it’s like throwing darkness at light, for so long as the
light’s there, the darkness just dissolves, and that’s what it feels like. It
won’t stop a punch, and it won’t stop you hurting physically, but it will stop
you hurting emotionally and leaves you feeling stronger instead of weaker.
As for the bullies; everyone deserves our love and
compassion really, no matter how they are. And it doesn’t really take much
thinking to realise that anyone who hurts others for the fun of it is pretty
sick, so they need all the help they can get to get out of that sick mind state.
And it isn’t just about having love and compassion for them, but for ourselves
and everyone else as well. It is a kind of radical way of thinking, but Aunt
Anne says it’s not new. People in the East have used these ideas for over two
thousand years.
The boy who was bullying you had a very difficult life and
his bullying was his way of trying to deal with his own pain and feelings of
inferiority. Not all people who bully
are acting out of a sense of powerlessness, hurt or anger. What are some of the other reasons people
bully others and do you think the techniques that helped you in dealing with
Justin’s bullying would help in some of these other cases too?
Dylan: According to Carly, I overstepped the line and
bullied Justin the day he ruined her beautiful little pen and ink drawing. I
just did it to protect her and I only
did it once, so I didn’t consider it bullying at all, but it shows that maybe
some people don’t realise that they’re acting like a bully because they think
they’re doing it for right reasons. That’s like those who bully people because
they’re gay or a different race. I think the bullies feel that it’s their duty
to rid society of anyone they consider not acceptable.
Carly: Some do it to try to prove that they’re better
than others too. They don’t realise that bullying always makes them worse than
the person they’re getting at.
Dylan: It’s all about power in the end, and only someone
who feels powerless would need to make themselves feel more powerful by
bullying.
Carly: I think that the methods will always work for the
person using them. Whether it has any affect on the bully or not isn’t the
point. If you expect that sending love as white light to someone will change
their behavior, you’re likely to be disappointed, at least in the short term,
though you may be pleasantly surprised too.
Dylan: I’d say it’s worth a try.
If for any reason the bullying becomes something we can’t
deal with, such as it turning to physical violence, what would you suggest to
those who are being attacked?
Dylan: I had my share of that when I was little, before
Mum sent me off to karate, and there’s lots of advice around to help people.
The big issue is getting over the stigma of being the victim of bullying so
that you do actually tell teachers and parents, because you really do need
their help. You have to realise that it isn’t your fault. There is nothing
wrong with, in my case, being skinny, really bright, loving books and doing
well in school, or whatever the reason is that the bully is picking on you for.
It’s not you that has the problem, it’s the bully.
I tried to stay out of the bully’s way and did things
like make sure I didn’t walk home alone. I also made a bit more of an effort to
be friendly so I had people to sit with at lunchtime, that kind of thing. If
you Google it, you’ll get lots of sites with this kind of advice. That’s what
Mum did when it happened to me. She also trucked on down to the school and made
sure that they had an anti-bullying policy in place. She followed up with them
too and asked them what they’d done about it.
Physical attacks were rare after the school took action,
but they only stopped completely after I took up karate. I actually punched the
guy back one day. Then I ran all the way home and was terrified that he’d try
me on again. If anyone had seen me do it, he probably would have, so I don’t
recommend that approach. He and his mates kept taunting me for years, but I
didn’t let it bother me. Even when I wasn’t very good at it doing karate made
me feel strong.
Are there any other personal insights you’d like to share
with readers who have gone through or are going through this painful experience
or are dealing with other stressful or difficult circumstances in their lives?
Carly: I think you have to get rid of the Doubt Dragons
first. That’s what stopped me from even trying this at first. If you doubt that
you can do it, or you doubt that it’s a good way to deal with problems, then
you’re sabotaging yourself before you begin. My Aunt said that we all have love
inside us, but I had to feel it before I believed it, and in order to feel it,
you have to be open enough to sit still and find it.
Filling yourself with love feels sooo good that it will
help in any circumstance, but you actually have to do it. That means, and I
hate to say it because I am really bad at following this advice, you have to
practice it. There’s instructions for how to do that at the end of the book.
Dylan: I’d say do anything that clears your mind and
helps you to step back from the situation a bit so you don’t get so entangled
with it all. I look at my life as if it’s a movie. Humour is good too. Don’t
take anything too seriously.
Carly: I can’t believe I’m giving advice on this. Aunt
Anne would be proud. I guess I learned more than I realised.
Dylan: She’s a superhero.
(Carly punches him playfully and he rolls off the chair in
mock horror.)
Thank you so much for visiting, Carly and Dylan, and for
sharing with readers. Your story is
wonderful and has so much that can be beneficial to others, not only those who
are struggling with bullying, but which can be applied to other challenges and
situations in everyday life.
For more information about You Can’t Shatter Me and author
Tahlia Newland, please visit her at:
And to check out this novella on Amazon, just click on the book
cover link below:
